The Relationship Ledger
The bonds that keep us alive
This one was a tough one to write. I have been churning these out and for some reason this one has just not worked. Once I figure out why I’ll recap in another edition.
Anyway, onto the relationship ledger.
I have been learning recently how critical relationships are in our lives. It is an incredibly important aspect of our lives and I think we take them for granted.
There is so much conversation around remote work, politics, and how all of this is distancing us and breaking our relationships.
Honestly, I think a lot of it is hot garbage and all has another agenda that has nothing to do with relationships. Yes, politics divides, however there are ways to have conversations that don’t ruin relationships. The thing is, they take work. Relationships are harder than ever to maintain and get right. It is possible though. I will get to that later.
To set it all up, this piece of the ledger is best compared to the trust battery by Tobi Lütke. Quick summary is, we all have batteries between other people and they are charged or drained depending on your interactions with them.
I am a big fan of the visual this presents and before coming up with my ledger theory, I used this all the time. For my larger zoom out perspective, I think this works for relationships however the ledger works better for putting this all together.
Who do you have ledgers with and When do they start?
Everyone and I would say as soon as you meet someone! This is why people say make a good first impression. You never know how an interaction will play out. I have heard far too many instances with a relationship ruined before it even “started”.
This is probably why we need to heed the advice of Walt Whitman… via Ted Lasso:
This goes will all that cheesy wisdom where we say you have no idea what someone is going through so be kind. We see things and judge. Why not take a minute and be curious. You may end up opening a ledger that changes your life.
I mentioned relationships are harder than ever. I want to expand on this. We live in a time where people you meet along your life journey live anywhere, move frequently, and are increasingly busy.
Remote work has made it so you don’t see people daily and getting older means many have kids and prioritize different things. Everyones lives change and being more global in nature means people don’t stay where you met them. People change jobs every few years as opposed to staying in them for 20 years. People are constantly moving far more often which means losing contact is easier than ever.
One thing I have said about remote work is, communication and relationship building has gone from passive (water cooler, happy hours, meetings) to active. You now have to go out of your way to meet and learn about others instead of it just happening around you.
This is hard!
We are already doing more actively during our days and now we have to add this to the list. I also think our expectations of relationships in our lives changes.
At this current place in my life, most of my friends are “remote”. We text and occasionally zoom. They are friends throughout my whole span of life, some I grew up with and others I met as an adult.
I have also lost contact with a TON of people. I don’t want to say lost them as we may find our way back to each other. I have already had this happen. It’s not over, just dormant. Some people can’t do text friendships and thats ok.
We often have to be ok with what the other person chooses. I have kids and prioritize family. If you aren’t familiar with the 4 burner theory, now might be a good time to introduce it!
Quick summary is you only have 4 burners to dedicate and you have to prioritize them. If you pick family, career, heath, friends than other things may fall away. You also can’t have them all on high. So which ones get full and which ones are on a simmer?
I have gotten a little off the tracks (as is tradition lol).
So how does this fit into the ledger or battery?
Every action with people in your life is a credit/debit to the ledger or charges/drains that battery.
Do you constantly ask favors of others and rarely do things for others and then wonder why people distance from you? You are in debt and they call your tab.
Do you constantly give to others and get nothing in return? You have a ton of credit however, if others can’t pay that asset becomes a liability. You thought it was in dollars but you have credits to chuck-e-cheese. oops.
Ever been rude to waitstaff and gotten sick at that restaurant… oops.
Have you been kind to someone just to meet them again later and had them repay your kindness?
This can also interact with your mental health ledger as well if you didn’t catch onto that. This is why I like the ledgers. Trust battery is good but bad relationships actually become debits on your mental health ledger. They all start to interact.
You really don’t know what will come around. I mentioned in an earlier post about this being similar to karma and I think it also relates the most with relationships.
I personally think if you are constantly kind, it’s not that all that kindness comes back to you. It’s a statistics game! You will eventually be kind to the person that pays all your kindness back with interest.
Like those viral clips where someone asks for money and it was a test.
On the flip side, when you are rude and mean, you will eventually do it to the person that ruins your life.
While writing this I came across a book by Donald Miller called Scary Close. It’s about relationships (good timing right!). Scary Close documents Donalds journey from being in unhealthy relationships and figuring out how to correct things within himself.
One powerful metaphor was about pillows. In a relationship there are 3 pillows.
You have your pillow that only you can stand on. The other person has theirs. There is a third shared pillow and by agreeing to be in a relationship you can both step on that one. You are not allowed to step on the other persons. Your relationship is bound to that middle pillow. In healthy relationships you accept the other person has their own pillow and you do not try to impede their personal pillow. They will bring what they want to that middle pillow. You accept it or walk away.
This is a great metaphor and I think there can be an added dimension with the amount of filling in the middle pillow. You might even give the filling to the middle pillow from your own (I’m spitballing this as I’m writing it). If you have nothing to give, that middle pillow will lack filling. People will put in what they want and will never put in everything.
If you have many close relationships, I wonder how many you can truly fill?
I am sure some are purposefully filled to a certain degree. You don’t have the same relationship with your childhood friend as you do the neighbor you occasionally chat with. This is on purpose.
Is there different types of filling? Does your marriage have memory foam while your colleagues get cotton? I looked it up and am totally going to make each of these into a relationship type lol. Blog for another day!
Like I said, spitballing.
There was one quote from the book which really stuck out to me, however here are plenty more to explore!
“Relationships are teleological.
In other words, relationships are going somewhere – as long as two people are involved.
They are living and alive and moving and becoming something… and sometimes they aren’t becoming anything good.”
Really sitting with relationships and examining them is important. I think it’s important to remember relationships aren’t a solo game. You control half and should try to meet people where they are because you can control those actions.
A few more notes before I depart.
When it comes to relationships Mark Matthews has a good quote:
This may be more important than ever considering each relationship is far harder to maintain or replace. After hearing my kids argue and having this quote in my head, I realized how essential it may be to use this quote far more often.
Watching kids you realize they will argue giving an apology because we mostly think apology equals surrender or being wrong. They do things and are not in the wrong and may have still hurt someone. When you frame an apology like this it may circumvent the argument.
Just note, when you do drop this knowledge bomb on kids you will need to explain what an ego is.
With that in mind, this second piece may also assist in all this ledger talk.
Sunk cost is an economic term we may need to address in the future with ledgers, however, this gets at it nicely.
Remember, relationships are a 2 player activity where you have control on only half. Do what you can an let go of the rest.
Until next time…
Go figure out your pillow situation.
