The Parenting Ledger
Parents... We have them and then become them.
Last time I wrote about what my kids taught me. Now I want to dive into how we parent and how the ledger fits into this.
Yes, this is the parent ledger. However, I think it works for anyone who is a parent, has a parent, or is in the care of someone. Anyone who has an impact on the youths of the world.
I want to first acknowledge caretaking is hard!
We all have different experiences and we need to acknowledge are are all in THE arena.
I saw this image and it struck me in a way I didn’t expect. After thinking about this for a few days I realized why I couldn’t watch old videos of my kids. I would only occasionally look at a few, then need to stop.
They made me anxious.
I would think I wasted the time I had and those moments were already over. The ironic part is I am in these videos, it’s not as if I am an absentee parent. I realize no matter how present and engaged I am, it will still not be enough!
I love being right where I am (red boxes) and already miss it. I realize no matter how present I am, it will still not be enough. I am excited to see how my kids grow and at the same time am terrified. I am not ready for this stage to be memories, yet I am helpless to stop it.
I concluded that avoiding good memories because they will make me sad or feel discomfort is no way to live.
“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”
-Dr. Seuss
If you are someone who hasn’t been present or engaged, there is always time to change.
Enough of my nonsense?
yeah, I agree.
I’ll stop going on and on about how neurotic I am as a parent and we can look at how this fits the ledger structure.
Let them fail
This goes with the lesson of sitting on your hands. Watching your kids fail is hard. You don’t want to see them struggle and get things wrong, especially when the stakes appear to be high.
The problem is, that if they don’t learn how to fail, they will never learn. This includes personal and academic choices.
The biggest point to remember is you need to be there for them. None of this works if you are hands AND mind off. You are allowed to sit on your hands and you CAN NOT ignore them hoping they reach certain conclusions. They can’t figure anything out alone without being able to come to someone for support.
Let’s run through some examples.
What happens when your kid does not do their homework? Do you think it reflects poorly on you and some people may push that on you? It’s not on you. You have done your time with school. What you can do is encourage and let your kid know what the likely outcomes will be.
This is where sitting on your hands and not leaving them alone comes in. It is incredibly hard to know the outcome and still let it play out. However, you can keep encouraging your kid and help them see the future of their actions. When they come to you for help, be ready.
Do not judge them.
Ask them how you can help.
Don’t come in blazing with what you would do.
Let them guide you.
You want to be more of a spiritual guide.
Will you be a ghost or an ancestor?
I fail often and the above is my goal. I want to allow them the space to fail and figure things out safely.
When they come home and say “I failed a test.” You won’t catch me saying, “I told you so!!!”
That’s not helpful.
What is helpful is being present and figuring out where they are at that moment. Do they like being in this position and how can I help?
Being present and engaged is the ONLY way to earn credits in this ledger. If you disconnect and let them go down their path it is only debits. The good news is you have room to mess this up. You are their parents. They trust you and therefore you start with a positive balance. You likely have more credits than you think!
Don’t waste them. Just because you have cash to burn doesn’t mean you should.
Our goals are not their goals
We honestly have no idea how our kids will turn out. We don’t know what they will end up liking and doing.
We can all agree that we want the best for them. Unfortunately, we have no idea what “best” means. We know we want them to be happy and have the means to live. You don’t want them miserable, lonely, or homeless. This is what pushes them to learn, stay in school, go to college, etc.
You should be a doctor or lawyer!
The problem is we aren’t living in their world. The rules have changed. The hot job of 2000 is not the hot job of 2020. Some careers hold prestige, yet that’s not the only way.
I went to a state school, had an average GPA, and had garbage standardized test scores. I think I’m doing pretty well.
Stop laughing. It’s subjective and I’m going with “pretty well”.
It’s good to open doors for your kids and give them the space to figure it out. Make them aware of the college landscape. Allow them to become the top of their field. Listen and understand when they don’t want to stay on the track they are on.
They should not have to stay on that path only because they are afraid of disappointing you.
It’s wild to me that we, having lived partial lives, believe we are experts and know what’s best for our kid’s future. We know what skills we want them to have, however, we pretend to know what they should be doing and get angry if they don’t agree.
We aren’t supposed to look like we have no idea what we are doing, that’s terrifying. At the same time though, that’s exactly what’s happening!
This is why we need to be far more flexible than we are.
Also, we probably should not be doing this alone. The more people you bring into your circle, the more experiences you can lean on to get this right.
Make no plans
A main point of Adlerian psychology is to not make plans and just live in the present. This was extremely hard for me to grasp and I am not sure I entirely agree. Let me see if I can add something to make it more palatable.
No one goes through their life without making plans and having goals. Adler is extreme in his view of no plans. If we scale it back I think it’s tremendously valuable.
To state it simply, I think it’s ok to have plans and goals. However, do not be tethered to them and sacrifice being present for those goals. If you are honest, how many things have you planned worked out the way you thought?
An old Yiddish expression comes to mind. “Der Mensch Tracht, Un Gott Lacht” meaning “man plans and God laughs.”
The better way to think about this is we place bets in life. Every time we make a goal or head in a certain direction that’s a bet. We all know it’s probably not a good idea to place everything on 15 black. At the same time, you can’t put half on red and half on black and expect to make money.
When you put your kid in soccer, you are placing a bet your kid will thrive and enjoy it. My kid was not very good at it or very into it. Was very easy to see we busted on that blackjack bet.
It is far harder to let your kid retire when they are good and tell you they are done.
Yes, I said retire. I have found it much more enjoyable than quitting. Like how it’s far more amusing to say ages are levels. Oh man, I just hit level 37! I sound experienced and totally not old.
It also gets harder the longer you let it ride. It’s more investment and it’s harder to emotionally let it go. This goes for you and them. There is a chance they rekindle their love. There is also a chance it ruins your relationship.
Be an ancestor and guide them. Place a ton of bets. Always bet on your kid.
You get credits when you place bets on your kids.
Allowing your kid to be miserable because you are too deep is traumatizing and is the sunk cost fallacy.
Be an ancestor and guide them. Place a ton of bets! Always bet on your kid!!!
And remember, you get credits when you place bets on your kids.
Their dreams are not their identity
We have all heard the stories of people who dream of going to an Ivy League school, being a world-class musician, or a professional athlete.
I love these! Strive to be the best!
You thought I was going to shit on this, didn’t you…
Jokes on you! I didn’t!
Just don’t let it define your kid.
If those goals were hit, Congrats!!!
Still, don’t let it define them.
These goals are crazy hard and the statistics are not on their side. The closer they get, like being a top 300 recruit in football or getting into Juilliard the more this will seep into their identity.
What if they lose it all?
What if it gets taken away from them due to injury or some freak accident?
What if by the time they get there, they are so burnt out they don’t want to do it anymore?
They may make it and have a good career. Let’s say they have a great football career and are 35, yet the thing that is their identity is over.
Then what?
If this identity is all they have, not only is the dream gone and they have likely lost themselves as well.
Accomplishments are often determined by other people and are heavily uncontrollable. Your job is to make sure they know who they are outside of any accomplishments.
Having something define them is easy when they are great.
What is the cost?
Kids will do great things because of their parents or in spite of them. I hope mine are the former.
When it comes to music I have mentioned before I am a lyric person and I have found so many good songs relating to parents and kids. What I didn’t realize is a song I LOVED as a youth, and apparently never really knew the lyrics to, turns out to be one of the most lyrically underrated!
At the end of it all, I think we have it backward. We strive our whole lives to make our parents proud of us. At some point, this needs to switch. If your kids believe you have left this place better than you found it, you won.
Until next time…
They are listening.
They are watching.
You are going to fuck up.
Keep doing the best you can with the knowledge you have.
Remember: even in the hard times, one day you will miss this.
P.S.
Here are a couple of excellent podcasts that help explain this from more experienced individuals than myself. Ironically, I found these after I wrote this whole thing.