I will start by saying most of this comes from the two books “The Courage to be Disliked” and “The Courage to be Happy”.
These books are a dialogue between a young man talking about Adlerian psychology theory with an elder.
The crazy part about reading these books and getting acquainted with Adler is I have a master’s degree in counseling psychology. I do not remember learning much about this theory and it is by far my favorite. Much of this theory is incorporated into modern Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. However, when people rattle off Freud’s name and not Adler, it’s a travesty.
In this letter, I want to discuss the main points of the books and how they relate to everyday life.
I will also note when I first read these books I thought “that’s pretty cool, however, I am having trouble integrating the ideas into my life.”
The second time I could see it being more applicable and after the 4th or so…
The masters of these principles say it requires half the years you've lived to put into practice. I will repeat this later.
I’m like 10% of the way there! WOO!!
If you find this letter intriguing, you should read the books!
With that said, let’s dive in!
The Happiness Triangle.
It simply states there are 3 ways to react to a situation.
Do the first two sound familiar? Next time you go about complaining step back and see where you are at. Want even more fun? Observe others while they are complaining!
This theory lines up well with a book I read a while back called “The No Complaining Rule”.
The main premise goes like this:
“When you do complain, because you most certainly will—everyone does—use your complaining to your advantage. You see, every complaint has an opposite. If there is something you don’t like, then there is something you do like.”
For example: I hate the school carpool line! No one follows the rules! It’s chaos and stressful! However, I do get to drive my kids and learn more about their day. Knowing people are going to do what they will, I can let it happen knowing I’ll get my kid and we can have a nice chat.
Do you see how that goes from “that bad person” to “what should I do from now on?”
Try it out and see if you can notice the two sides and find your way to the third.
Separation of Tasks
This concept is pretty simple and as you will continue to see, very hard to accomplish. As one might intuit, this means everyone has their tasks and you must trust others to do theirs just as they trust you to do yours. We will often become unhappy, distressed, and angry when we don’t stay in our lane.
So what exactly do I mean by this? Let me give you a few examples.
When you are on a sports team, you have your responsibilities. If you are an outfielder in baseball, your responsibility is to field the ball when it comes to you and throw it where it needs to be thrown. You are not responsible for making sure the person you are throwing it to is where they need to be nor can you infringe on the pitcher to pitch the ball. You must have trust that they will do what is in their sphere of responsibility.
TRUST is big.
When you have kids, it is often seen as the responsibility of the parents to help with homework and ensure they get things done. However, what happens to you if your kid doesn’t do their homework? Nothing. It is their responsibility to bear and they will face the consequences when they get failing grades, fall behind, etc. Should you be there to help? Absolutely! However, barring outrage from our society, it is not within your responsibility to do it for them or force them to do it.
This one is incredibly hard. You are wise, you know exactly what is going to happen! You even can warn them. They won’t listen and it is incredibly hard to sit on your hands. Remember, be an ancestor and guide them, not a ghost who haunts them.
Community Feeling
Once again an easy definition. People want to feel like they belong somewhere and make an impact on their community.
In the book we as humans have always sought out community and collaboration because we are physically weak as a species. Together we are strong and can do incredible things. For example, a society had those who made the bow and arrow and those who hunted with the bows and arrows. If everyone had to do everything it would be far less efficient.
We feel good when we belong and help the community we belong in. When we aren’t filling this need, we either see bouts of depression or seek out a place to belong.
This is why people join religious groups, school organizations, and yes, cults and gangs.
The latter are typically looking for those they know are lost and don’t have that attachment elsewhere.
This is one of the more obvious points seen everywhere. When you hear why someone joined a group, you will likely hear they were lost or didn’t have a community to belong to.
Emotions are a Tool
Believe it or not, we use our emotions as tools. We treat emotions as happening to us even though we can control them. We may not be able to stop them from happening but can determine what we do with them.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.”
- Victor Frankl
This space is where we have emotions and we choose what to do with these emotions. The easiest one to pick out as an example is anger. When you get angry, it’s probably for some purpose against someone else.
I heard a recent podcast where the author Rich Roll was talking about losing everything and the repo man came to collect a truck Rich loved. His wife invited the man in for tea. The repo man didn’t understand the kindness as he is always berated because his job was to take things away. Rich had done the work to know their part in why the man was there. They understood it was not “that bad person” or “poor me”.
Hey, look! I connected a dot!
How often do you use anger to get someone to do something? Maybe your order at a restaurant was messed up so you yelled to make the wait staff feel uncomfortable and get a free meal.
Life is Not a Competition
We are engrained to think everything is a competition or a zero-sum game. What if I told you it doesn’t have to be?
Everything is always me vs you or us vs them. A lot of unhappiness is rooted in the fact we are competing with others. Think about it. If we saw each other more like comrades, we would be more willing to help raise all boats. Instead, it has to be if I win you have to lose, which just isn’t the case.
We are always comparing ourselves to others and thinking I have to beat them to feel good about myself. In reality, it’s really about asking yourself how I can be my ideal self and lift the community. We are all working towards one goal of living well and being happy. If my happiness (or what I think is my happiness) comes at the expense of someone else am I making a positive impact on my community?
This does get into some interesting thought experiments of who is your community or group, which I will discuss more deeply in another adventure later.
In high school, I competed with a friend trying to get a higher grade. It was a weird competition where we studied together and helped each other. Turns out it didn’t matter who won as we both got the two highest grades and lifted each other with our “competition”. Just because one of us “lost” in the micro battle, didn’t mean we lost at a macro scale. We never saw each other as enemies or rivals.
Yes, you can get weird about it and say, “What about competitive sports or other competitions?” This is what makes this theory so challenging. Playing a competition doesn’t mean the other side has to lose in the macro. You can have other accomplishments and even be grateful to be able to play in the first place.
In what situations have you been conditioned to think something is a competition when it isn’t?
When is being right or winning getting in the way of your relationships?
I have posted this before and here is the reminder:
“Apologizing does not always mean you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
―Mark Matthews
When you apologize, you're taking responsibility for your part in the conflict. Understand what your task or role was within the problem at hand. It’s in that podcast referenced above with the repo man (specifically at the time marker).
Deny the Desire for Recognition
We want recognition from everybody.
We like to know we are doing a good job.
We feel really good when we get recognized for our work.
We feel really bad when others get recognition for our work.
We tend to seek this out because, from an early age, we have a reward and punishment education. If we do things well, praise! If we don’t punish.
Here is the problem.
When you are constantly seeing recognition, you have to live towards others’ standards. You are constantly trying to play by others’ rules and give others what they want so they will praise you.
If you break free from other people’s judgments, have the courage to be disliked, and pay the cost (ledger) that you might never be recognized, you will be on track for your way of living. You can be free from the shackles that keep you playing someone else’s game.
It is again not your task to be concerned with how other people are playing their game or judging you on how you play yours.
All Problems are Interpersonal Problems
All problems stem from an issue between you and someone else.
Easy!
You see the pattern by now right? Conceptually easy and what do I do about it?
These troubles stem from intruding on others’ tasks or having our tasks intruded on. We also struggle with our ego and need to be right or winning (see the section above about competition and recognition).
More dots connect!
Here is an incredibly challenging view. You take ownership of the task of managing someone else’s emotions. This is where the title “The Courage to be Disliked” comes from. We often do things with others’ emotions in mind. It is not your task to manage other people’s reactions to what you say and do.
You are probably thinking, why don’t I just run around yelling at people and saying mean shit because how they react is not my task. If that is the only principle you have gained from reading this then you have missed the whole point. Doing these things will likely violate other principles. What it does mean is you should not try to control others’ emotions. Just like the kids with homework, you should be there to help talk things through however you should not be the one to say, “Don’t be mad” or “Don’t cry”.
It is your task to figure out how you show up, not others. It’s like robotic rules, doing something poor with these principles likely violates some of the other principles.
This is why implementation is so hard.
Deny Trauma
This is probably the craziest and hardest piece.
Adler rejects Freud's idea that past trauma causes present unhappiness and argues we determine the meaning of our past experiences. Telling someone with undeniable intense childhood trauma that it’s not real and doesn’t dictate your future is very challenging to comprehend. It also doesn’t help that Freud’s perspective has been engrained and conditioned in us.
However, Adler claims, that we determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to past experiences. We know what has happened to us in the past is seen with a lens. We know that mental recording changes based on new experiences in life. If that is true then could it be we have adjusted memories?
I am not saying you are fine no matter what happened in your past. What I am saying is you could be using it as an excuse to move forward.
In the book, it gives this example:
Typical trauma conversation: John was traumatized as a child, so he shut himself in and didn’t go outside.
Adlerian view: John has the goal of not going out, so he’s manufacturing a state of anxiety and fear to achieve that goal. He thinks to himself: “If I stay in my room all the time, my parents will be worried about me. I’ll get all of their attention.”
How do we reconcile this? Acknowledge what happened in our past and look towards that happiness triangle. You can continue to think “Poor me” or “That bad person”. This will keep you on your current path. Otherwise, you select “What can I do from now on”.
You know the past happened and how do you move forward with your life?
Easy principle, but incredibly hard in practice.
Live in the Here and Now
This principle is maybe one of my favorites.
Adler’s view is a bit extreme for me in that he believes you should plan nothing. Only be here and now forever. While I don’t agree with this strict view, I do agree we plan way too much.
We always hear “We plan, god laughs”, “shit happens” or Murphy’s Law. Yet, we continue to make plans like our lives depend on it. I am glad our lives don’t because whatever you are planning probably won’t happen.
I tend to see making long-term plans like placing bets. Everyone knows it’s not smart to place everything on one bet. This is where I differ from Adler.
Make your plans!
HOWEVER!
Have escape routes, be flexible, don’t tie these plans to your identity, and focus more on right now. You never really know what right now is telling you if you are lost in the future.
If you would have asked me in high school, I would have painted a completely different picture of where I am now. Even 10 years ago, I would not have known I would be where I am now.
The point is, the here and now is real. The past is different than you remember and the future is likely never going to be what you expect. So focus on what’s real.
This stuff is HARD!
This is why Adlerian psychology is often described as "strong medicine" and a "psychology of courage" that would require half the years you've lived to put into practice.
I am sure you are also thinking cool! This sounds great! Except for the fact that I will do all this and others will be going about causing more chaos and problems.
To that, I say YEP!
Ever heard of the public goods game?
Essentially, you decide how much money to put in a pot, and it gets multiplied and divided out. Problems occur when one or multiple players game the system and exploit the other players. They get more money and the others less.
They damage trust and the whole thing falls apart.
These problems will always exist.
People will destroy trust and exploit the system.
Guess what?
It sucks and it’s also not your task.
They will constantly be anxious and unhappy, while you improve the lives of the people around you with your good model. The little humans who follow you will notice.
And you will be happy.
It is a hard path to follow, yet well worth the time and effort investment!
Until next time…
Not really though… I don’t have that power.