I just cant help myself with these titles… sorry! It’s like dad jokes for titles. The bigger the eye roll, the better it is.
Anyway, last time we talked about self talk and how the words you use impact everything.
I want to dive into failure and imposter syndrome.
This clip went viral not to long ago and is a shift in how we think about failure.
Side note: did you catch what he said at the end? “I was not in the right mind space to answer back then.” That’s powerful! If we saw more people talk like this instead of getting angry or saying things for pop value… the future would be much brighter.
Failure is a complicated topic because it has layers. As people, I think we have a hard time holding conversations on multiple layers at the same time. How can we fail and also feel ok about it.
Depending on the context surrounding failure, it has a different perception. Did you know investors like entrepreneurs that have failed before? To them it shows they learned what not to do. Do you think the ex-employees enjoy that failure? probably not.
See… context.
In recent years, failing has been equated to learning opportunities and I think this is a healthy reframe. Does it make missing your goals feels any better? No, not really.
This goes back to your self talk.
You are entitled to always feel your feelings.
Please go back and read that sentence again.
A big piece of dealing with failure is understanding control.
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own…”
– Epictetus
Epictetus here mentions 2 things:
Correctly identifying what is within our control and what is not.
Focusing our effort on the things within our control and learning to accept what is not.
How does your definition of failure fit into this?
The video above was about basketball, so lets stay on sports for a minute.
Every year one team wins. If there are 30 teams, about a 3% chance to take the title. Those odds suck! For the majority failing is highly likely. That’s one level. What about the players outside of winning it all? They want to win and how much of that is in their control? What else do they accomplish?
Is our problem about the goals being set? If the goals have elements of things you can’t control, is it fair to judge yourself when uncontrollable elements force you off course?
Goals for sports are championship or bust. Anything less and people will look at it negatively. This is the culture we have set for better or worse.
Side Rant: fans suck in general. You win the championship and next year get eliminated or miss the playoffs. Fans call for everyones head.
Toxic… unbelievably toxic. It’s not isolated to sports either.
What if your “failure” led to someone else’s prosperity. Could you imagine people thinking in such selfless terms? Being happy for other people… pipe dream I know.
Maybe it really is about enjoying the ride and not the outcome (More on outcomes later).
I have a friend who claims she LOVES the entire process of flying somewhere. That includes the security and the waiting!?! Yeah, I don’t believe her either. However, it’s also beautiful. If we can get to the point where airport security is deemed enjoyable? Color me envious!
Ok, I have lost the thread here… bringing it back.
We have determined failing can be fine. It’s likely out of your control and maybe led to something good for yourself of others.
What about an example more related to the non sports group?
You interview for jobs. We all fail at that one… A LOT.
So are these failures? I guess.
However, lets look at it through those two lenses.
Was it due to things in your control? Almost always No. Unless you happened to insult someone or have some kind of room clearing fart (props if you pulled that off remotely).
If your failure is not due to you, did you actually fail?
What if the person who got the job has a family to feed and this job offer came right as their savings was drying up? I would LOVE to say this is rare and is it? probably not.
In addition to not being able to talk about things on multiple layers, we have a really hard time seeing things in the distance. We are immediate gratification junkies. We have very little patience to let things play out or understand what could be.
STORY TIME!
A farmer and his son had a beloved horse who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbours exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not.”
A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild horses back to the farm as well. The neighbours shouted out, “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not.”
Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the horses and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The neighbours cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not.”
A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, because he had a broken leg. The neighbours shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”
Maybe failing is not what it appears.
Failure often leads us to the fear of not being good enough. Even if its imagined. You know that voice that constantly taps you on the shoulder saying:
“you don’t belong here”
“you are not good enough and people will find out”
“how did you even get this job”
“lol, you got drafted and wait until they actually see you play”.
This voice is what is better know as imposter syndrome.
Imposter Syndrome
This one is very personal for me. I have struggled with this essentially my whole life.
It likely started when I didn’t learn how to read correctly (story for another day). It then traveled with me through my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety in youth baseball. Those voices still show up in my adult work.
If you feel like an imposter; YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
In my own life, I can come up with numerous examples on why I belong where I am, how I am good at my work, and yet that voice comes back.
To combat this, I have attempted (not always successfully) to change the context of that voice. Have you ever thought about how a change in music in a movie can change the entire context?
It’s a similar strategy here maybe with less music, maybe more, I don’t know it’s your mind!
Instead of that voice being one of negativity, it can be a voice of challenge. I think the voice is trying to subconsciously exploit what you think may be weaknesses.
I know for me, I have always had to work harder than others to understand the more technical aspects of my job (I work in data). Instead of “wow, no way you are going to do that and people will FINALLY see you for who you are.” It can become “Prove me wrong you can’t do this.” It becomes a moment to go “You know what, I have done hard things, I can climb this mountain, just watch.”
All these interactions go into your ledger. You get to decide which side.
Your self talk is trying to message you. How you communicate with that voice is how you will determine the outcome. Even when you have “failed”, it’s not the end of the story.
Your failures are not the end because it turns out, we are playing an infinite game.
Whatever you think of Simon Sinek, he has a solid theory on this. He may not get everything right and this one he does.
All of these are attributes that go into your mental ledger. The ledger gets credits when you treat yourself well and debits when you take vicious jabs.
Yes, I can see how this brushes a line with toxic positivity (book recommendation). Always trying to see the positive gets mushy. You need to feel your feelings (all of them) and learn from what they are saying; then push forward positively.
The ledger is about understanding credit and debit inputs, running frequent audits, and improving where you can.
Damn dude! You are really going hard with the nerd words! Debits, Credits, AUDIT!
Yeah… sorry about that.
Here is a quote I think brings focus into how your mental ledger has an impact.
“We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are”
―Anaïs Nin